I have begun working on a new website for myself to reflect the expanded directions that my writing and work have been taking for several years now. It’s scaring me to death! The process has provided the inner critic a whole new platform for challenging my capabilities and undermining my confidence. This morning I realized that the discouraging voice is way up in the clouds, floating and formless. Escaping it requires coming back down to Earth. To my body. To the world of the book I am writing: a memoir of early mother loss and rippling grief. The new website will highlight this writing and re-focus my birth and spiritual work. I’ve evolved a great deal since I started this blog in the fall of 2010!
When I was in labor with our third child, labor proceeded smoothly from five cm to 8 to almost 10. I wanted to push the baby out right then, but there was this lip of cervix still in the way. Pushing against it would cause swelling and impede delivery. The midwife wanted me to get on all fours to aid this last bit of dilation. At first I whimpered in resistance, fearing the pain I knew would be unleased. But there was no going back. Only forward. I breathed through a couple more contractions and then told my husband, doula and midwife I was ready. Lots of loud vocalizing ensued along with their calm soothing (a la Call the Midwife) as instinct accompanied searing pain. I soon delivered our son.
The new site is like a new me, and I’m birthing them both. This post is me in labor, saying out loud that there’s no going back, shifting positions to invite creative discomfort and trusting that gut-level intuition will carry me forward. I can’t wait to welcome you to my new site! Stay tuned.